I started a blog I couldn't finish... Beards, music, film, chilli.

IS there anything better than chilli sauce?

No, there isn’t. There you go - easiest column I’ve ever written.

But because I’m flying the flag for chilli lovers everywhere (and am in need of my monthly paycheck) I’ll carry on.

I was inspired to write about the hot stuff after two chilli-related run-ins today.

The first happened over lunch at a local pub.

The last time I was in, my nachos order arrived sans jalapenos. Naturally, I took steps to avoid the same thing happening again. I asked for lots… and duly received.

My plate looked like an explosion at a jalapeno factory - there was at least two thirds of a jar’s worth sitting before me.

I think the chef was trying to call my bluff but I raised my game and finished them off.

Soon after, I was talking to a friend who had the audacity to tell me there are better things in life than chilli sauce. Not true.

Then I realised… it’s like God wants me to reach out to my spicy bretheren and shoot down the puny-palated naysayers.

Chilli is an addictive substance, as any heat fan will tell you. In fact, one such person even broke it down scientifically for me.

Hot food burns off your taste buds (they grow back), the act of burning releases endorphins, endorphins equal pleasure. And so it continues.

It irks us hotheads when others claim food is spicy when it clearly isn’t. (I’m looking at you, food manufacturers.) Anyone who says any type of chilli/sizzlin’/fiery inferno crisp is too much needs to be strapped down and force fed Tobasco. Consumption breeds resistance, after all.

Most of the time I find myself adding chilli sauce to ‘hot’ foods. I’m just chasing the dragon in search of mouth numbing nirvana.

And that’s why chilli sauce (well, just chilli in general) is better than anything else. It improves any savoury dish.

So the next time the chef tries to call my jalapeno bluff, tell them to bring it on.